YOU CHANGED!

i remember being 15.
i had a big black book.
i typed out every song i would write.
stuff into clear screened sheets and snap them into place.
double sided, so i could have two songs in one sheet.
flip thru them. practice. sing with unknown angst for xyz girl i was daydreaming about.
sing to the jesus on cross or little church figurines sitting atop the piano. sing over fox news, mom on the phone with the pastor, dad doing the taxes or grading my math homework.
sing about my perception of love, God, parents and what they won’t let you do.
i still have that black book. it’s in the attic.
above the rooms where i smoked ganja.
above the rooms where i jumped thru windows at night.
the room where my pops suffered for five years of cancer.
the room where i held his hand and he took has last breath.
the room where the piano used to sit. the rooms where i would eat pops and siblings ritalin before going to community college.
the rooms where i would watch porn or write letters to girls i thought i was in love with.
the room where i first read my birth mothers letters.
the room where i cried when i found her. 

i still have those letters.
___________________________________________

my books of music are in my head now.
i try to write them in journals or sketch pads. it helps, but i work out of my moment a lot. 
scribble epic one liners and move into the story post.
my process has always changed with the flow of the journey.
where i’m at, what’s happening, and where we’re going.
i can’t seem to NOT change. on the daily

. ——————————————————————-

 i used to be a yes man.
yes always got me in somewhere.
the more you build in the community, the hopeful turnover may surface.
but, with that model you burn yourself out.
maybe even become bitter. or others become bitter of you.
who’s on first?
now, i keep my mouth shut as much as possible.
share little, know a lot. 
especially, now when people want to know everything about the leader.
who are you cuddling, where are you playing, what’s the plan for the future, are you changing your sound, who’s REALLY in your band, did you make promises to those women?, trail of tears part 2?, are you an activist or a musician or both, what drugs are you on, are you on drugs, howd you get so yummy, omg your story is so real and heart opening i want to know all about you, is it a kiss on the lips or a kiss on the cheak and wtf does it mean either way, will you be there, will you play for free, how arrrrrrrre you. etc.

clarity is my favorite weapon.
when you know what you can offer and put that on the table – you’ll see who can stay and who cannot.
it’s obvious to me the massive changes i’m making. putting my name in front of the band has been a new one.
my friend says to me, “so i see the band is becoming less of a thing….it’s all about you now , huh.”
i cringe a little.  i wanna get defensive right off.
i retract without saying anything, focus, and remember why the new model is taking place
. “it’s always been the music thru me, ultimate vision, and lead by me.  it’s clarity for my audience.  it’s clarity for me.”
she shrugs.  “i get it.”
but, like a lot of peeps, i’m not fully convinced. the way i used to work is changing dramatically.
it’s always been my vision, music, and leadership.
i see nothing wrong with crediting myself towards that and giving bookers and the rest of the world a clear look at who’s running the show. 
this doesn’t devalue anyone in the band, but gives clarity on who to contact and who has been working on the scene and behind the scene to build the kingdom and fill in the mote with water.
bali has proven an edge of professionalism that has been a long time coming.
cleaning up my act. cleaning up my financial mess. gearing up for the road ahead.
putting my name in front of the band was a big change and a huge step in the right direction.
clarity for bookers.  clarity for me.
you never see me with all the same people.
this isn’t going to change.
i want to move towards a place of abundance where i can afford the long time partners in music that have worked with me over the years – to a place where i can afford everyone i want – or at least get the right person for the right gig. 
those gigs are coming.  those offerings await us.
so i what i need from my crew and my audience is trust.
trust that i make the best moves for myself and the movement in one giant leap.
some will trust me. some will not.
so shall it be.
in the end, it’s all love anyway. 
in the end, my body’s spirit’s anyway.
the best part is i feel like i’m keeping a strong and humble head on these shoulders.
i know it’s not about me. 
it’s about bridging worlds and teaching myself thru teaching others.
it’s about ultimate vision.
the new sound that has been coming thru is ultimately what i want to hear at this time.
less froofy and playful – more hard edged and in your face. 
there’s till tinges of playfulness and love in their, but my medicine is the rude truth.
raw and penetrating. 
no fear.  going out on every limb. 
making a scene.  rocking out with love and truth weapons. 
my story just as much as yours.

with the addition of electric guitar and drum kit, i have found that edge.
don’t get me wrong, horns, keys, cajon, djembe, etc. still have their place.
we had breathing room with these lineups.
changing your sound and your lineup and your undies is what every band does and goes thru ten times over in their lifetimes.
it’ll be interesting to see the reaction back on big island and in portland and thru the new album this fall. 
i hope to ease the community into the darker realms of my vision – ending in white shimmering light of course.
using new imagery – like owls, skulls with indian head-dresses, winged creatures, eyeballs, all these wild and crazy images will begin to surface thru medicine in the next few months.

i’ve been watching some world bridging here, too.
surfer braddas and hippie yummy’s singing together we are the ones we’ve been waiting for.
clutch.

of course, i’m having the time of my life.
i’m busy as all hell.
full moon adventures.
getting the fuck out of ubud was everything i needed.
riding with surfboard under butt to massive uluwatu waves..meeting new family adn getting SO taken care of by the surf crew…wow.
said goodbye to chase and sam in the last four days.
my rude boiz finally off island.
gonna have to be rude alone now.
that aint hard.
rendezvous in place for may 12th at the palace theater in hilo.
people become jaded when you don’t give them attention or you’re ‘too busy’….
those kind of people that don’t give me support right now in my massive shit piled onto plate moments are the kind of people i don’t need to be around.
team work and understanding of me trying to keep my shit together – those kind of people are my deep homies.
i don’t have time for tears and drama and you changed! conversations. 
i can only offer those people so much compassion and patience and even my time.
everyone wants a piece of your peace.  right?  haha.

working on new merch here with Isaac Mills of Mugwart Designs.
expect to see new Medicine Bandanas all tripped out this summer.
gonna make a phat batch. 
new stickers coming, too.  nahko stickers, that is. 🙂

THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT for those who can see.

more soon.
that’s my afternoon post full moon thoughts here in hot ubud.
time to get back on the motorcycle and vroooom off for a swim and lunch with the circus. 
i’m off to see the wizard.

be yourselves wisely. 
thanks bay.

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